wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
