he wants to bone in the snuggie
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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