who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
