i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
