a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
