if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
