Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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