if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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