Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why can't burritos get me drunk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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