I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
