Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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