Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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