i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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