She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
