Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
