so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
