I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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