The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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