I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
