Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
