Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
