Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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