Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
