I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
