I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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