you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
