Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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