I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
