so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My hand turned me down
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
