If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
