I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
