you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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