fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
