how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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