That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
its liver damage thursday
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
