I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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