We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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