So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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