At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
