There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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