i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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