I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
