im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
