he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Vodka?
Forever.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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