i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
did i walk over a car last night?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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