Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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