And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
