Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
