ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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