You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
