i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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