somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
