I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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